:: taking the picture above. Because I love looking at these tiny salamanders. And because that provided me with a picture for this post

:: being done (or close to done) with the photobook project.
It was fun working on it, but I got a little bit too absorbed in it. I started dreaming about making the book (and failing) , about ancestors I never met and about being forced to move back to the village I grew up in. Not the good type of dreaming. Nightmares. And when I wasn’t dreaming, I couldn’t sleep. My mind kept going over the names, dates and pictures, trying to put it all together. Because of that, I spent four full days being glued to the computer screen in an attempt to finish it before it drove me crazy. Also not the best idea.
But the end result will be worth it.

:: phone calls with my daughters. Long phone calls with my daughters. We broke the record yesterday: 2 hours, 22 minutes.

:: videocalls with my grandson popping in and out. He’s starting to talk for real now. So cute!

:: knitting. I’m still not back into the real knitting groove (you know, where you pick it up without thinking much about it), but I am enjoying myself

:: being quite sure I can finish the sweater before we leave (8 days to go).

:: preparing for our trip to the Netherlands next week.

:: knowing that it will be a short one this time. Just enough to celebrate two birthdays and Christmas. Oh, and hopefully to get some quality time with the grandson too (i.e. not during busy birthdays or Christmas celebrations). But after that, we will be back home, even before the new year starts.

:: being able to keep a bit of a blogging routine the past month. I do hope I didn’t jinx it now…

:: reading your comments to my silly little blogposts. Thank you so much for taking the time to “talk” to me!

I keep telling myself there is enough time to finish this sweater, but the truth is that I won’t make the deadline at the rate I’m going. Somehow I can’t find the motivation to sit still and knit. I think my mind is a bit too much occupied with this and all the feelings I have connected to it. I try to lean into all that and work through it. I know from experience that ignoring and pushing back does not work that well… Distracting myself with scrolling on my phone doesn’t either of course. But I’m trying…

There has been a bit of knitting progress though, so there’s still hope. I’m about halfway the body. I did measure and it should be the right size this time around. So let’s see if I can find some time away from computer and phone this weekend and make some real progress.

Right now I am…

… seriously doubting the idea to talk about weight loss and health goals on this blog. It’s not that I don’t want to share those things, but it’s just not making me eager to write something here. It doesn’t bring me joy (in case you’re wondering: I am doing quite well on those goals).

… remembering how this blog used to be filled with beautiful sunsets, close ups of flowers, knitting, sewing and random thoughts. It wasn’t the kind of blogging that goes viral, but it did bring me joy.

… telling myself that bringing joy is what this blog should be about.

… wondering why I thought things needed to change. Circumstances, comparing to others, identity crisis? I don’t know. But I’m ready to fight my way back.

… feeling a bit tired because I lay awake most of last night thinking about these things.

… deciding that I am going to pick up where I left off such a long time ago. Beautiful sunsets, close ups of flowers, a bit of knitting, occasional sewing and random thoughts… I can do that.

… leaving you with some beautiful sunsets and a rainbow. Because that’s what it’s all about around here, isn’t it?

Oh wow, I didn’t realize it had been so long since I last wrote something here. So much has happened since then.

After that last post temperatures rose even more and we got to a point where we couldn’t take it anymore. My husbands heart was acting up and I was just… well, sick constantly. So we booked a flight and went to our little cabin in The Netherlands, and we planned to stay at least five weeks, probably longer.

(edited to add: I was sure I complained about the heat in my last two posts, but I just realized I didn’t. I guess that’s one of the reasons I didn’t blog that much – not wanting to complain constantly. But it’s been hotter than usual and very humid since March.)

I was going to blog from there. I had great plans to rest, loose weight, get healthy, work on my mental health, deal with the garden, get back to writing more, etc.

But I never got to it. Within two weeks after we arrived, my father died. It was not completely unexpected. He had another case of pneumonia in May and never fully recovered, but he seemed to get a little bit better every single day. Until he got something else (we’re not sure what it was – I think his body just gave up). It started Thursday night and he died three days later, on Sunday.

Some of you may remember my mom died during the lockdown, so I wasn’t able to say goodbye or be at her funeral. This time I sat next to my father when he left us and I was fully involved in all the things that followed. There were times I wished I was stuck on Curacao again (let’s not get into details about that), but mostly I’m grateful that we weren’t.

At the funeral one of my cousins asked: “Was it a coincidence that you were here, or did you feel it coming?”

Well, even though the decision was made because we weren’t able to function in the heat, I had been advocating to leave for a while and I have to admit I was extremely and uncharacteristically mad at my husband for not being able to leave (he had work to do in the area). So yeah, I probably did feel it coming. I remember myself yelling that we had to be in The Netherlands in September without having a logical reason for that statement. My dad died September 1st…

Anyway. we stayed a few weeks longer to spend time with our family and returned to the island last Sunday.

It’s still a bit warmer than it’s supposed to be, but it’s getting cooler, so I have high hopes that I’ll be able to get my life back together. You know, loose weight, get healthy, work on my mental health, deal with the garden, get back to writing more, etc.

I’m kind of thinking to use this blog to plan, document and hold myself accountable for all those things, but we’ll see how that goes. I usually choose to only write about the good things and that works great too. We’ll see. For now, I just wanted to post something as a way to reconnect myself to the blog…

I’m sick again. Flu, or maybe Covid.

I have been thinking a lot about the next few weeks, and I decided I need to focus on resting and trying to get healthy enough to visit my family and attend that wedding. Everything else has to go on the backburner.

So I just popped in to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

I think I ‘ll be back here by the end of January.

Not the most comfortable way to hang out, if you ask me…

At night, when I can’t sleep (and that’s most nights), I make up blog posts in my mind, telling you – in careful chosen words – how I’ve been struggling mentally these past few months. But in the morning all those words have faded away and I sit at my computer, wanting to write, but without words to explain what’s going on.

Because, honestly, I’m not sure what’s going on. I’m okay. Life is good. We’re still living on the island, in our beautiful home. Our children are doing great. Our youngest daughter is getting married in January and our grandson will be one year old soon. My father is hanging on to life and enjoying the (few) simple things he still can do. My husband’s health isn’t worse than it’s been for the past few years. My health… well, nothing major going on there either.

So… just a chemical inbalance in my brain, I guess. It will pass. It always does. I just need to wait it out.

The fact that I really, really want to get back to blogging is a good sign actually. So there’s that. And I may even be tempted to pick up my knitting needles soon. I will be okay.