Three things that make me happy today:

– my daughter visiting. It’s so much fun to have her around (and she’s staying for four weeks).

– work coming in. Yes, it makes me a little bit nervous to have a lot to do these months (need to learn to plan better), but I’m so very grateful that some writers even ask for me as an editor.

– my mother still going (relatively) strong. She’s now planning for a little vacation in February.

Linking up with Carole’s Three on Tuesday

We had a wonderful weekend. On Saturday we met with some friends on the beach. We had a bbq to celebrate the new year and just sat and ate and talked and did nothing at all. It was good.

On Sunday we both felt rested enough to tackle a few things around the house. I decided that the guest room needed to be painted after all before D. arrives. That’s cutting it close because she arrives tomorrow and I still need to do a second layer. I also have to go shopping both for groceries and for things for that room. The bed arrives tomorrow, hopefully.

Anyway, I’ve got a busy day and week ahead, but I don’t feel overwhelmed, it’s going to be fun.

Wishing you all a great start to your week too.

Just like last year, I had a hard time accepting the word that was coming to my mind when I started thinking about what word would be fitting for 2020.
Ironically that is exactly why I chose it. My word will be “accept”.
I could make a long, long list of things I need to learn to accept, but I think listing three is enough for now (I think I will write about this about once a month).

– things I cannot change
I know. So cliche. But also, so true. I’m constantly stressed out and tired because I’m constantly trying to fight, change or at least be prepared for the hard things in life. But I need to accept that my mother is going to die this year, that my father is ill too, that the girls will have their own problems and that more bad things will happen. I know, this sounds very depressing, but I hope this will free my mind and help me to notice and enjoy the good things in life.

– my body
Age, allergies, gaining weight… I have a hard time accepting that my body is not doing what I want it to do. And that doesn’t help to take better care of it. I want to stop fighting my body and to start nourishing it.

– other people (how they interact with me)
I have a hard time coping with how people treat me (or others). I can worry for hours when somebody says or does something harsh even if it was just a stranger that bumped into me and told me to be more careful. I need to accept that not everybody will like me and that even people who do like me will sometimes say something unfriendly. I want to learn to let it go, to focus on kindness and friendship.

Linking up with Carole’s Three on Thursday

(reusing an old picture because I’m too lazy/busy to take a new one)

Last year I was thinking about what word to focus on for 2019 and all that came to me was ‘home’.
I resisted at first. Strongly. Because it made me sad to even think about it.
At that moment we were still in our house in the Netherlands, but it didn’t feel like home anymore because it was staged for selling and already under contract. We had been searching for a house on Curaçao, but every time we thought we found a good one, something went wrong (sellers deciding not to sell, after all, other buyers cutting in, etc.). We were planning to really move to the island, but I still had a lot of mixed feelings about it.
I thought it would make things even harder for me if I focused on ‘home’ as my one word.

Well, it turned out it was the perfect word for this year. I didn’t focus on it, but it sort of worked its way into my thoughts a lot.

I learned that home isn’t only about walls or things. I love, love, love the house we ended up buying and renovating. I’m excited about all the things we plan to do and yes, it helps to live in a house I like so much, but in the first few months, I suffered a lot from homesickness.

Home also isn’t only about being with your loved one(s), because that was part of the problem for me. I felt torn between my husband on Curaçao and our daughters and my parents in The Netherlands and I knew that would never really change.

But…I felt so much better when I allowed myself to do and enjoy the things I did before we moved. Knitting, (dreaming of) sewing, thrifting, reading, blogging, gardening and even cleaning.
Of course, our lives are different now and it’s not the same, but these things are part of me and I needed to get back to them. Incorporating them into our new life was exactly what I needed.

I guess feeling at home is also about identity, about being able to be who you are, to do what you love.

Last Friday we returned from our trip to The Netherlands. Although I have felt sad for not being closer to my family, I haven’t felt sad for not living there anymore one second when we were there.

And yes, it feels so good to be home again!

… looking back at some really great family gatherings
… so happy that we’ve managed to take some family pictures
… even happier with the pictures I got of my parents.
… feeling under the weather today
… looking forward to more family gatherings
… but also looking forward to going home
… trying to enjoy our time here as much as I can
… thinking about the things I’d like to do next year
… loving that picture of my sister’s dog

… wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!

… so, so cold
… wearing two sweaters and two pairs of socks
… considering adding another layer
… drinking hot tea
… wondering when the day will start (it’s nine-thirty, but still so dark)
… knowing this is pretty much it, it won’t get lighter
… feeling weird because I’m not used to this anymore after only one year
… tired of a week of driving around visiting our girls and my parents
… but very happy to have seen them all (twice already)
… also tired of yesterday’s birthday (our youngest girl turned 27!). Her tiny living room was packed with people, but it was fun.
… trying not to think about how my parents are doing too much (they just keep going, but I know they are both running on reserves)
… looking forward to spending more time with them, because… well, this might be the last time I can
… also trying to ignore T.’s coughing (and his not so healthy-sounding breathing). At least now I’m really sure that for his health it was the right decision to move to Curaçao.
… remembering the really wonderful afternoon I spent with an old friend. A few years ago she lost both her parents in a very short time under similar conditions as mine are in (dad chronically ill, mom losing the fight with cancer). She also lost her husband last year and I felt really sorry for her. I was actually geared up to comfort her but instead, she managed to comfort me. She inspired me to get a grip on the things that will happen inevitably, both with my parents and T.
…  trying to come up with a plan for the day. I know there is some work I need to do, but I can’t remember what
… considering to take it easy and curl up with a book, some knitting, and more hot tea
… wishing you all a great week

So tonight we fly to The Netherlands. I just checked in (online)and I got an email from our Airbnb hostess about the check-in there, making it all very real. I still have some packing to do, but we’ve got almost a full day ahead.

It’s been almost five months since I was last there (but I spent those seven days in the hospital with my mom) and over nine months since T. left.
It will be weird not to have a home there anymore. To stay in an Airbnb apartment. To be visitors only and to be there for only seventeen days. But all that doesn’t matter, really.
I’m really looking forward to being with my family again.

Last week I was thinking about this blog and sort of planning content for the weeks to follow. And then I realized that this is not my job (though how wonderful would that be?). I don’t need to post, and I can take some time off if that’s what I need to do.
And I think I’d like to spend as much time as I can soaking up this time with the girls and my parents.
So my blog, answering comments and my reading and commenting on your blogs will probably be sparse these weeks. I’ve got some posts prepared and scheduled for the following week, but I have no clue at all if I’ll post the weeks after. I think I’ll pop in to wish you all a Merry Christmas, and maybe I’ll share some pictures, but I just don’t know how things will work out. We’ll see.

I hope you’re having a wonderful December too!

Three things I learned about myself this week:

1. I have a really, really hard time relaxing. On Monday morning I found myself without any big deadlines. I did a bit of reading and a bit of knitting, but after fifteen minutes I was already making lists of things I could do now that I had more time: start blogging in Dutch again (on all three blogs), write some short stories for my website, start writing a book, revisit social media, etc., etc.
Ahem. Wasn’t I supposed to rest? (the black circles around my eyes tell me so…)

2. I also have the worst sense of how much time things actually take. That’s probably also because I’m a bit (ha!) slower than I used to be. But as the week progressed I found that I don’t have that much extra time anyway. This is a big house to clean (and it was a big mess too) and the “little” computer tasks that I knew I had to do took me much longer than I thought they would. I should probably make a list to remind me how long things actually take, but I fear that will also take me much longer than I think.

3. I can actually wear flipflops daily -trying to insert a lighter note- and yes, that’s notable for me. I always thought I had an issue with “something between my toes” and only wore them occasionally. But two weeks ago I put them on them for a night out (because they sort of matched my dress) and I just realized I’ve been wearing them daily and all day long ever since. I even wore them yesterday for a whole afternoon of shopping. That’s at least one part of my integration on this island to check off the list 😉

Linking up with Carole’s Three on Thursday