Last month I chickened out of writing about how it’s going with my one word. Because… actually, it wasn’t going too well. And it still isn’t. But maybe I have to accept that too (accept is my word this year).

Three things I’ve learned so far:

1. I really, really struggle with accepting the not so fun, but inevitable bad parts of life. I fight to change things and if I can’t fight, I try to escape my feelings. Usually by comfort eating, but also mindless browsing blogs, Instagram or Pinterest. I really, really need to work on that. It’s okay to try to come up with solutions, but there are things that just happen and there’s nothing I can do about it. Lean into it. Accept.

2. I can’t do it all. That’s something I’ve been struggling with my whole life and I really need to accept that, since I’m not getting any younger and I will be able to less and less instead of more and more. But in my mind, there’s always room for more things to do.
Bookkeeping for several small businesses, keeping a rather large house clean, maintaining a giant garden (um… as soon as I get rid of all those thornbushes), renovating a house, editing novels, writing newsletters and press releases, writing a blog (two!), sewing, knitting, reading, go to the beach, meet with friends, spent time with my husband, talk with my children and parents on the phone… That’s what I do and yes, it’s a lot already.
But certainly, I could start another blog (or two, or three – so many ideas!), take more writing assignments, write a new novel, try to write a cozy mystery or maybe a book about knitting or sewing or cooking, start a youtube channel, make stuff to sell, draw, paint, grow herbs and make herbal remedies, take a few courses (Papiamentu, local herbal, sewing)…
Oh well, you get the drift. Nope, can’t do it all. Accept that. Choose.

3. I’m living a wonderful life. Strangely, I can’t really accept that. Is it my Calvinistic upbringing that tells me this can’t be right? I always feel like I can’t be living on a beautiful island, have this beautiful home, this wonderful husband, these amazing daughters (and two great future sons-in-law too). There’s always this little voice that says it won’t last, I don’t deserve this, something will go wrong soon…
I know it’s silly. Though part of it is true, of course. Sad things will happen (see #1.). But that doesn’t mean my life isn’t wonderful as well. I want to live in the moment and enjoy every minute of it, feel it. Savor it while it lasts, without constantly thinking it won’t last. Accept the blessing. Just be happy. Why is that so hard?

Linking up with Carole’s Three on Thursday

I actually had a post planned about three things that are on my mind these days, but this one thing took a whole lot of words, so I kind of cheated and cut it into three parts.

1 I’ve been struggling a lot lately with feelings of guilt about leaving my family behind. I knew when we made this decision (over two years ago already, wow) that this would be the one reason for having a hard time with our move, but I thought I’d work through it and, you know, be done with it. But it keeps coming back. I’ve been trying to push it back in the wrong way (taking valerian and emotional binge-eating), but of course that makes it only worse. I think this may be the reason for a lot of things not going to well right now (my health included).

2. I was thinking about this (feeling frustrated about it, actually) and I realized I will probably always feel like this. Because that’s normal. Don’t all parents (mothers?) feel guilty sometimes about things they should have done differently? Don’t all children (daughters? – I’ve noticed it’s mostly women who suffer from guilt) feel like they should be doing more for their aging parents? Yes, our move made things harder and I’ll have to deal with that. But not moving would have made T,’s life miserable and I surely would have felt guilty about that.
So, what I’m trying to say here is that I think I should accept (yes, that’s my word for 2020) that feeling because it’s there for the long run.
I think Carole once wrote about “leaning into sadness”. I really need to learn that. Lean into it when it’s too strong and go on with my life when it’s just background noise.

3. Also… (trying to put those feelings into words helped me see through the raw feelings): I need to remind myself that love isn’t limited by circumstances.
Circumstances (in my case the distance between us) are no more than a practical obstacle and there are ways to work around those. I can’t sit next to my family often, hold their hands or put an arm around their shoulders. I also can’t help them physically (you know, by driving them somewhere, or helping them clean).
But our love language has always been the strongest in talking and listening. So much talking. Talking through problems, talking through hard times, not so much by stating prefab solutions, but by just listening, asking questions and thinking out loud, together. Or just talking and listening and keeping up with their lives, even if it’s just about the small things. And no, phone calls aren’t ideal and I never really liked using the phone (it’s a thing – one of the girls has it too, though she can easily hang out on the phone with me for hours).
But it’s the one thing I can do from here and it’s an important thing: be there, be available. Talk, listen, even if it is for hours and hours. Sometimes calling my girls or my parents feels like adding another thing to my neverending list of things to do, another hour taken away from days that already feel too short. But it’s not a to-do, it’s not a waste of time, it’s an act of love.

So, if you’ll excuse me… I’ve got people to call 😉

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On a brighter note (ha! pun sort of intended), here are three sunsets for you to enjoy:

Linking up with Carole’s Three on Thursday

In honor of Valentine’s day, I thought I’d list ten loves (besides my husband and children and family). Yes, I know that’s quite similar to yesterday’s post, but it never hurts to make more lists like these, especially when I don’t feel so well (both physically and mentally).
My life is really kind of wonderful, I just have to make myself see.
So here it goes:

I love

1. this house, the large garden and all it’s potential

2. the view from this house

(I didn’t say this would be new and original loves)

3. this silly cat, that makes our house just a little bit more like a home

4. my kitchen and all the things I (want to) make there

5. flowers! The one thing I do miss around here. Lots of green, but not too many flowers (most plants and trees bloom just for a few days).
I did plant bougainvilleas (they bloom year-round), but they’re struggling a bit. The desert rose is still going strong though (I’ve had flowers all year) and right now my aloes are blooming too.

6. laundry drying outside (year-round!)

7. weekend plans (happy hour, beach bbq with friends, some garden work and a lot of doing nothing)

8. papaya (not from my own trees yet, but I do love eating it – with a bit of lime juice)

9. blogging, because it helps me to think of happy things to share

10. you! because blogging is more fun when people are reading along

Right now I am…

:: hearing the birds sing to welcome the new day
:: seeing the sky slowly getting lighter and the moon shining less brightly
:: remembering the beautiful full moon we enjoyed last weekend (that’s the moon in that picture!)
:: feeling a bit better than yesterday and a lot better than last weekend. I seem to be on the mend.
:: worrying about T. He’s got it bad now.
:: rather tired, because he was tossing and turning all night
:: thankful that I took the time to rest so that we’re not both sick right now
:: hoping he will be well soon too
:: also thankful for the news about my mother. She’s not having any treatments, but the cancer is growing much slower than expected. She’s still mobile and enjoying life as much as possible
:: not yet thinking about the work I have to do today
:: looking forward to some knitting first
:: wishing you all a great day!

Last Friday, I felt seriously under the weather. I had been sniffing a bit throughout the week, but I woke up that morning with a sore throat and feeling feverish. Although the media assure us that The Virus is not on the island, I thought I’d better be safe than sorry and rest as much as possible (I tend to ignore colds).
That was actually really, really hard.
But I managed.

I did a little bit of laundry, some cooking and the dishes and I wiped down the toilet, but other than that, I just rested, read a book, browsed through the archives of soulemama.com*, did some knitting and drank a lot of tea and lime juice.

Did it help?
Well…

I intended to wake up Saturday and get back to work. My garden has been neglected since that one weekend and there were some other chores to do too. But I felt even worse than Friday, so I took another day off. And on Sunday I felt slightly better, but still not up to work.

So that one sick day turned into a long weekend. Oh well, I guess I needed it.
Today, I do feel better. Still not good, but at least up to some house and computer work. I’m still coughing and sniffing though. And now T. is still in bed, feeling sick…
I guess this won’t be a productive week.
Although all that sitting and resting is good for knitting. I almost finished that hat and I finally got a big part of the Current Cowl done too.
I may need to rest just a little bit more…

*yes, I know I’m obsessed, but her blog -especially the older posts – always make me feel happier, relaxed and more grounded

1. I’m knitting a hat. Yeah, I know. I was going to knit things that could be useful to me and hats certainly are not (since I’m living on a Caribbean island and only visit colder regions a few weeks a year).
But I wanted to knit a hat. I love knitting hats (ha! I guess most of my readers are aware of that) and knitting is supposed to be fun. So here I go again.

2. The little basket on my table. We brought the basket from South Africa ten years ago and right now it’s filled with stones, shells and (dead) coral I find on the beach.

3. We won the battle with the wood-eating-bugs in our kitchen cupboard (it took us several months), so I finally got to put my stuff back into it again.

Linking up with Carole’s Three on Thursday